If You Think of a Blow Job When You Meditate
An excerpt from my journal in 2012 while participating in a 10 Day Silent & Meditative Retreat at The Dervish Center in upstate New York.
It’s amazing what comes to mind when meditating. Here I am trying to be still and experience breath because to focus too much would be an attempt to grasp it. It being enlightenment, I supposed. And in trying to grasp what ever the fuck "it" is, my attempt to grasp would take me out of the moment. So in working on all of that esoteric personal alchemy, in this holy room, my mind goes to blow jobs.
Sex against a wall.
Being tested again and going on birth control so that he can fuck me deeply and raw.
Thinking, I tell myself to come back to breath.
That's what that Shambhala book told me to do. Don't judge where my thoughts go or how they occur. Don't shut them down. Just be aware they have shifted and label them as "thinking."
Thinking, I tell myself to come back to breath.
And then my family comes to mind.
Work comes to mind.
The fact that I forgot to take out the garbage before leaving on this 10 day fucking SILENT RETREAT comes to mind.
The argument with the girl four years ago comes to mind.
My posture. I'm not sitting right for meditation. I don't sit right at work. I don't sit right on the train. The train has poles.
Pole dancing.
Sex.
His dick.
His golden dipped, magical dick covered in fairy fuck dust.
Count your breath, girl. Get a grip.
A grip of his dick? No.
Count your breath.
Thinking, I tell myself to come back to breath.
These distractions keep you from stillness. Quiet your mind and be present.
If you think of blow jobs when you meditate....simply label it as "thinking."
What's the craziest shit that comes to your mind when you meditate? I refuse to believe I'm the only one.
Sheena LaShay is a Wild Magical Woman, Intellectual Sensual Shaman, and Creative Artist. She writes for SheenaLaShay.com, Owning Pink, Verizon Wireless, Bodybinds and is the Co-President of the Pole Dancing Bloggers Association.
