Last year I went on a few dates with a man who identified as a Submissive in the BDSM world. As I thought about our possible dating adventures, I recoiled at the idea of a future with him. In discussing my "issues" with a friend, I was given a new lens by which to view submissive men. You should know that I'm constantly open to realizing my judgment and understanding needs critique, refinement, and growth. Sometimes my perspective needs a complete 180 or a deeper dive. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised to shift my thoughts when it came to submissive men in the bedroom.
When I speak of a “submissive man,” in this context I’m referencing “submissive men” within the BDSM and/or Kinky and/or Fetish world. I’m talking your erotic escapades or sexual acts. I’m talking about when he consistently wants you to take charge in bed. I’m not talking about his personality as a man. He could be a confident, powerful CEO or a sensitive, empathetic Artist or a kind and grounded Painter in his everyday life. He could be 20 or 40 or 75. His everyday life can manifest in many ways, but when it comes to exploring kink, fetish, and sex, “he” is a submissive.
Have you ever dated, fucked or had a play session with a submissive man?
Let's define "judge" as I mean it. JUDGEMENT: the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: Also, the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind. Demeaning or mistreating a person based on a judgment. Now that’s where it becomes an issue. But to "judge" someone...or something or a notion is A-OKAY in my book.
So my initial judgment of submissive men in the BDSM world was not an educated one. As a "Switch" woman...meaning I'm dominant and submissive 50/50, I prefer to date men who are a "Switch" or who are "Dominant." One should also note that even if you're dominant, that does not mean you're a Dom. There's a difference.
For complete submissive men in the BDSM world...in the past, I never gave them the time of day. I wrote about archetypes the other day. Therefore, I want to use some archetypes to explain my judgments and my shift in perspective. If I'm a Queen archetype, I assumed you as a submissive man was a fucking peasant, and I can't fuck, date, or order around a peasant. You're too easy a prey, and that would bore me. I told a friend about this, and he checked my ass real quick.
He noted how there are all sorts of iterations of submissive men in BDSM. Sure, a man’s submissive archetype could be via a “peasant persona.” However, another submissive is a "Knight." He serves the Queen too. Not only does he serve her, but he also fights for her and protects her. But he is not the King. Also, though, he is not the Peasant.
That simple breakdown shifted everything for me. My judgment was completely changed. If you're a peasant, you still can’t fuck with me. However if your submissive persona is that of a Knight, we might could rock.
What are some other metaphors and archetypes for Submissive Men dating Dominant Women in the Kink world. She’s the President and he’s the Chief of Staff?
I asked some friends to share their thoughts, both men and women. This is what they had to say.
“ I have always thought of my submissive side being like Verbal aka Keyser Söze.” - R.C.
“ Are my assumptions about a male submissive in BDSM based on notions regarding traditional male roles in real life? Why can't I think of powerful submissive examples of men? I only think peasant...chambermaid and there has to be more to it than those.” - S.P.
“I think I'm being harsher because it's a male sub within those traditional roles. When you said "I can't fuck a chambermaid," my initial response was "ughhh why would you fuck a sub, I mean at most if he's a good little slave you might make him taste a left lip" but yeaaaa....that's not fair. I see a female sub in higher regards. I should think on this too.” - M.C.
“Men of service come to mind... A man of affairs prototype. The Beauty series by Ann Rice has several men who are submissive but not weak such as Prince Alexi. The submissive men I enjoyed the most were military. They understand the strength of service.” - S.C.
I identify as submissive probably closer to switch or maybe experimental...I’m with whatever. But I live my life as a dominant man. I’m strong, commanding and take charge as the leader when necessary. I feel as if men are pigeonholed by society, specifically black men to “alpha” everything as much as possible...hyper-masculinity... however I maintain masculine balance by submitting to my partner’s whims, being used and being of service, getting a selfish lover off. I don’t say no. These are tenets I enjoy applying to sex. I have enjoyed standard binary sex where I am the aggressor and dominant, but that mainly serves as a means to an end, not my total gratification. I am also military and value service and how strong one has to be to comply, and explore sex fearlessly.” - P.F.
“In terms of in the BDSM world and relationships, in general, I think of the word trust when I think of Submission as well. In many ways, I think it takes strength and trust to be submissive to another person. Usually, when I defer or submit it's because I trust and accept the person fully mentally, emotionally, and physically. Admittedly I haven't had many relationships like that.” - D.M.
“Knighthood is a tough road. You live to serve your queen, she is in charge, and she can control. However, you are not for lack of a better term a punk ass bitch. You protect her against and strike, down any man who tries to compete with you. #BlackKnight “ - M.H.
Sheena LaShay is a Wild Magical Woman, Intellectual Sensual Shaman, and Cultural Provocateur. She stirs up controversy and yum by using sensuality, spiritual eroticism and movement to inspire women and men to reach their highest potential. She leads workshops, events, retreats and group trips around the world focusing on community, exploration and openness. She can also be found on for SheenaLaShay.com.
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Photo Credit: Steve Johnson