What Do I Want Our Sex Journey To Be?
The following is an excerpt of a letter sent to a Lover after he asked me, "What did I want our sex journey to be?" It took me a few months to think about, as it was the first time a lover asked the question in that way. After months of passionate bliss, after growing and loving and evolving with him, I finally answered his question. This is a real letter I sent to a lover, with a few personal tidbits taken out. It still contains personal details most probably wouldn't readily share but I think its important to also have these conversations out loud. In fact, I even posed the question to my friends on facebook to hear what they had to say and some of their responses are at the end. I imagine that although somethings will always remain the same for me regarding my personal sexual journey, no matter who my lover is, that also for every lover in my life, this letter would be different. I think that's the beauty of life. My sex journey with one is very different than with another. I had intentions of writing something else today but considering its National Sex Day, I wanted to share this. So whether you have a fuck buddy, a lover, a life partner, or whatever...I hope you've given thought to the experience of what your sex journey with them will be. And if not, you can take some tidbits from mine. I like to share.
You asked me what did I want our sex journey to be? Here are some of my answers, especially now that we have more history between us.
It is a given that anything we do is wrapped in the values of our foundation. Those values being Intimacy, Safety, Trust, Openness, Communication, Vulnerability, Exploration, and Nourishment. Whether it’s a date night, a conversation, an activity or a sexual experiences, our values flow through it all.
With that being said….
First, what I want is seduction. Before you even touch me, look at me that way, or unzip your pants...I always want seduction. Seduction is the preplay before the foreplay. What this means is constant sensual and erotic engagement. It means the mind fuck. (Not constant like every day, all day.) It’s just, I don’t want to feel like the sex started once we got home, had dinner and are chilling in bed and then naturally somehow that leads to a kiss and then sex. I want to feel it starting at any time. You have ways of doing this and I love it. I want it more. I want to feel the sexual energy and/or erotic energy and/or sensual energy. So seduction. I always want seduction. Then you’ve got the sex itself. For pure vanilla sex, I want it to be an exploration of pleasure and desire of all the senses. Hot, deliberate, yum and satisfying. It can be a quickie. It can last for hours with breaks in between. I want sex as much as possible. I could have sex every day. That’s not the case with everyone but its my ideal situation. However often, I also want the “vanilla” sex to be expressed in many ways from slightly aggressive to traditional views of "romantic."
Also foreplay is a big thing for me. Foreplay is as important as seduction. Seduction being the “mind fuck” aka the “preplay to the foreplay.” Foreplay is all that happens before your penis is inside my vagina. Foreplay could begin even before I see you or touch you. Here is a quote from a blog post, “Every utterance (that has to do with foreplay and seduction) with me, should be a turn on, a tease, a long yummy journey to eventually having sex with me. – Before doing anything, ask yourself, “would this comment or this action seduce, provoke or turn her on.” If it wouldn’t, keep it to yourself."
I want foreplay to include an exploration in touching EVERY part of my body. I’m a sensualist who’s also extremely sensitive to touch. You could breathe on my back and cause me to have an orgasm. What about my upper thigh? The inside of my wrist? My stomach? My calve? My knee? My cheek? I want my entire body made love to and/or fucked. I want my body to melt because you’ve become the master of it. The way you explored my feet that night. The way you learned every thing about my feet..…I want you to know my entire body.
I want to explore all kinds of positions. Some get boring after a few minutes…especially if its just that position and traditional thrusting. I imagine a position combined with intentional touch, kisses and more would elicit a more heightened experience. Sometimes I just want missionary position because your entire body weight is on me and I see you and I don’t know if its possible for you to get any closer to me. And other parts I want sex to look like acro-yoga. All over the fucking place. Sloppy. Desperate. Hungry. A hunt. Shit knocked over. Mayhem because we want each other that much and no fucks are given except what we’re giving each other. I want vanilla sex to get hotter and hotter and more pleasure filled. More orgasms per sex session.
I want the way you touch me to have different intentions whether its when you’re hugging me, seducing me or during sex itself. There’s a different energy in the way you touch someone with a healing touch, versus a provocative touch, versus a discovering touch, versus a touch of owning…in the sense of belonging. And there are more examples of “kinds of touch.” I want to explore all those. I want to receive those and give those. Similar to how the dice I bought came in three versus the tradition two. There was a body part and an action. Kiss. Neck. But then it told you the intention of how you were to kiss the neck. A Teasing kiss. A Provocative kiss. Or a Healing kiss. I want all kinds. Whats a nourishing massage versus a seducing massage? Let’s explore all of that.
I want more sex when we are together. I want more rounds in a sex session. I don’t fully turn on until a man has climaxed like 2 or 3 times. When I see you, all I want is you inside of me.
Kink and Fetish….I want absolute freedom. I want you and I to have the freedom to say our darkest or most disturbing or ridiculous or selfish or craziest or yummiest fantasies out loud, along with the pretty, fluffy shit too. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear you say you wanted to see me have sex with someone else. I wouldn’t have guessed that. I want to hear more of your fantasies. Even if some of those don’t or won’t involve me. Some of them may not actualize between us but going off the whole OPEN COMMUNICATION value, I want to be able to know I can say it. And I want you to say all the things and thoughts. I do have a few fantasies I've never uttered out loud because perhaps they are disturbing. With you and our connection, I want to be at a place where I could say them and possibly explore some of them. As far as how deep down the rabbits hole of BDSM we go? I don't even know. I am willing to explore it all with you. I want you to completely dominate me.
I need to preface this again with me asking you to be “gentle” with me in Paris and telling you that you were too aggressive. I don’t want that to become something that makes you hesitant. That will sadden me. That was specific to that moment. You’ve been aggressive before and I know there’s more in you that you want to express and I want that too. In that instance, I could not take it. I was sick, it was a few days before my period…which meant..without me realizing it that my body was extremely sensitive. I was sore. Sooo many dynamics going on…that when you’d go to put your arm around my shoulder and slightly bump my hair…that was jolting and the way you were fucking me too. It was too much in that particular time.
But on the flip side, I’ve loved your aggressive. Even the night before that night. You kissed me something crazy and went down on me on the bed and then fucked me standing by the window. Hard. Probably not as hard as you can. But hard. And you demanded that I tell you how much I was enjoying your dick. And after you came hard, you told me to go start the shower. GAWD. That was soooo fucking hot. You could have asked anything of me. You could have asked me to clean the fucking floorboards and I would have scrubbed them with a toothbrush. You had complete control and I want more of that.
I want to give an example. One lover…the dom I was with. We normally had sex with me in all my latex getup and a gas mask. One day I was drunk with all that shit, I had a freak out moment. I can’t be drunk wearing a gas mask during sex. I can’t mentally make sense of it and it scares me. So in the moment, I freaked out and begged him to stop fucking me and to take the mask off immediately. I said I needed a moment first, to get my bearing and I just wanted to cuddle. I didn’t even want to talk about it. Later I explained what happened and why. He never hesitated with gas masks moving forward. Or said things like, “hey you’re drinking wine during dinner. Guess we won’t pull out the masks.” There was no fear around it. Something happened that time and it didn’t cloud the rest of our sexual interactions.
I don’t want what happened between us to cloud any of our sexual interactions. I want gentleness and I also want aggression.
Anywho with kink, I’m willing to go down the rabbit’s hole. Take the kink test. Lets see where some of your natural inclinations are and we can begin to explore further. Here is the test. http://bdsmtest.org I’ve shared my results. I want role playing. I want games. I want mind fucks and hunts.
Speaking energetically or of erotic spiritualism or tantra…. I want to do some psycho, otherwordly shit that they don't even have languages for. I want no limits. I want chakra sex. Galatical sex. The sex that forms new worlds. I want to make a star burst with a kiss. On another plane of existence. So intense it affects the alternate universes. I want sex to be an offering to every known and unknown god that exists...including ourselves.
I want passion. Have you seen this? I like this. Kiss me like this.
I want a “Sexual Journey Bucket List”. I want it to include books on the subject. Or things like… “watch You have sex with someone else.” And “You watch me have sex with someone else.” And “explore different kinds of touch” and “explore OMGYes.com together” and “Yoni massages” and the list goes on and on.
I want sex everywhere.
I did ask others their thoughts and these are things they want that I resonate with too….
“I want our journey to be one of sensuality and exploration. Of understanding, acceptance and trust. I want to push boundaries and break taboos. I want to feel vulnerable and I want to feel strength. I want our bedroom, car, back porch, hotel room or club bathroom to be a safe place for all our wildest desires. An erotic judgment free zone.”
“I want a journey of openness, exploration of fantasies and desires, intimate communication. I want to ache and throb for him 24/7/365 mentally and physically.”
“I want a lover that excavates types of pleasure I never considered.. Who is fluid in their dominance and submission willing for it to be a toss up who ends up on top.. A lover who could make me cry from pleasure and connect with me every time .. Thick tantric sex where we think about it days later and get a chill.”
“I crave a partner who stimulates me... mind, body and soul. Conversations in which we can be completely honest and talk about ourmost intimate sexual thoughts, fantasies, actions and joys. I want the orgasmic, tantric freedom to take him places he's not been sexually and I want the same. Language... the ones who have gotten me can say anything to me, just show me your love after the act.”
“I need my next sexual adventure to be enigmatic and transcendental. The type of sexual journey that cannot be put into words but only felt. I have had only one instance of sex that was like this, where I felt completely removed from my self and wholly connected to the other person. I think this level of sexual power can only arise (for me) when I am with someone with whom deeply connected with. Perhaps I could reach this peak with someone who I am not in love with or deeply connected with, but I don't think so. I can be physically satisfied, have mind-blowing sex, and an intense sexual experience without the deep connection, but for the adventure where we are united in body and spirit, it's probably only going to be the man I love. I crave it very much, very often, and my body yearns for that feeling again. It was electric, the only thing that even comes close to it is a very intense high and even then that doesn't do it any justice. I still get chills just thinking about it. “
So these are some of the things on my mind.
What do you want our sexual journey to be? What’s our next adventure? How can I please and delight you? What do you want more of? Less of?
Sheena LaShay is a Wild Magical Woman, Intellectual Sensual Shaman, and Cultural Provocateur. She stirs up controversy and yum by using sensuality, spiritual eroticism and movement to inspire women and men to reach their highest potential. She leads workshops, events, retreats and group trips around the world focusing on community, exploration and openness. She can also be found on for SheenaLaShay.com.